Navigating Perimenopause: Rage & Relationships

It's one of those days when I find myself on the couch, feeling a simmering rage that I can't quite explain. My husband will suddenly walk in, and without reason I'm annoyed at everything he does. He could breath the wrong way and it'll feel as if he’s committed a crime. This isn’t like me. Or is it?

As I navigate the chaotic waters of perimenopause, I find myself questioning my mental state more than ever before. Are these emotions just a phase? Am I really annoyed with everything permanently now? Is my relationship with my husband at stake?

In this post, I'm sharing my journey with the changes I'm going through during perimenopause, the confusing emotions that come with it, and how I'm trying to deal with these challenges head-on.

Understanding Perimenopause and Its Effects

Perimenopause is the transitional phase leading up to menopause. It can begin years before the final menstrual cycle (which actually terrifies me). During this time, hormone levels fluctuate dramatically, and this can cause disruptions in both the body and the mind.

As I have written about before, last year (2024) I started experiencing perimenopausal symptoms - the main ones being hot flushes, hormonal acne, morning nausea, and I noticed my periods were changing.

Now I can add mood changes to the list and honestly I never anticipated struggling so much with it during this phase of my life - especially considering I am on antidepressants for depression and anxiety.

There are days when I feel strong and capable, and others when I just want to scream into a pillow. The anger and irritation I experience from everyday occurrences at home can be overwhelming, making me question whether my emotions are truly linked to my hormones or if I'm just unhappy in my relationship.

The Reality of Perimenopausal Rage

Can hormones really make you feel like a ragey beast? Definitely. Lots of women talk about "perimenopause rage" when sharing what they're going through. It's not just a quick annoyance; the frustration can come out of nowhere and turn into anger that just doesn't seem to fit.

In my case, anger arises in daily situations. When my husband innocently asks if he can have something from our snack drawer, I suddenly feel frustrated that he even needs to ask (I'm not his mother!) and I end up snapping at him.

Or he will leave something sitting on the bench instead of putting it away. Normally I would chat to him about this, or put it away myself, but I find myself becoming irrationally angry and annoyed.

Previously, these situations might have irritated me, but now my feelings seem exaggerated. This is why it can be confusing for me - what used to be normal irritation has turned into uncontrollable rage and annoyance.

Disliking My Husband: A Feeling I Never Expected

This brings me to another surprising thought: sometimes, I notice I'm more annoyed with my husband than before. Little things seem bigger, and I start questioning everything. Am I really mad at him, or is it more about the changes I'm going through?

When my mind is full of doubts, it can put a gap between us. I don't want to feel like this, but the feelings are real. It's important to realize that these emotions might be from hormonal changes and not actual unhappiness with my husband.

Are My Emotions Hormonal or Relational?

I've spent so many nights just lying in bed, wondering if it's my hormones acting up or if my relationship is going through a tough time. Honestly, it could be a bit of both - I mean, I've been with my husband for almost 20 years, married for 14. It's only natural to think about our feelings, and I can't help but notice I'm feeling more sensitive lately. I also know that when I'm feeling stressed, I end up taking it out on my husband.

It's tough to keep my emotions in check when my hormones are all over the place. However, knowing that my feelings might be hormone-related does help me be kinder to myself and my husband.

I’m aware that as estrogen levels drop, mood swings can become pretty common, and I’ve read that after some women go through menopause and their estrogen levels even out, they feel completely different.

This means some women who feel like me, might seek a divorce, only to regret it later when they realise menopause was affecting them.

I found online that the previous executive director, JoAnn Pinkerton, of the North American Menopause Society (now called The Menopause Society) once mentioned, “we tell people who are grieving not to make major changes for a year. I don’t think anybody’s ever said: ‘Don’t make a major decision when you’re perimenopausal.’”

Working Through the Changes

So, how do I navigate these challenging changes? Here are some strategies I've found helpful:

Open Communication

Talking to my husband about my experiences has been a huge relief. Even if he ultimately doesn't understand, I try to share my feelings without placing blame. When I share what I'm going through emotionally, he gets why I sometimes seem upset or distant. It helps us connect better and avoid mix-ups.

Journal My Emotions

Keeping a journal has become therapeutic - I use a technique called "Morning Pages" where every morning I write my stream of conscious thought for 10 minutes. Writing down how I feel allows me to sort through the mess of emotions that can feel backlogged in my head.

Self-Care is Essential

Self-care has never been more crucial. Whether it's going for a walk, reading a book, crocheting or sitting outside in the sun for 10 minutes, finding time for activities I enjoy helps release pent-up emotions.

Seeking Professional Help

I've been going to therapy for the past 18 months, and I'd definitely go back if I felt the need. If you're struggling with overwhelming anger or emotions, I really suggest seeing a therapist. It's also a good idea to talk to your GP - they can get a better sense of what you're going through and might suggest other options like HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) if needed.

Support Groups

I like sharing my journey with my followers on Instagram and Facebook, but I know there are many support groups out there in the online space that are perfect for other women to connect with. Not feeling alone in this life experience is crutial for so many of us.

Finding a Balance

Even though it can get overwhelming at times, I'm trying to go with the flow during this period of change instead of resisting it. Sure, there are days when I'm frustrated and annoyed, but there are also lots of laughs and happy moments in my relationship.

Getting through this stage of life can be challenging but also really enlightening. By keeping communication open with my husband and looking after myself, I'm slowly finding my way.

Embracing the Journey

If you feel like you're losing it during perimenopause, you're definitely not alone. This time can bring up feelings of rage and discontent, but they don't have to take over our relationships.

Even though I sometimes struggle with my emotions, I'm working on understanding myself better and connecting with my husband. My perimenopause journey might be a bit wild, but taking practical steps helps me stay grounded in love and understanding.

By recognising these changes and finding ways to cope, I remind myself that I'm not crazy - I'm just navigating a complex life transition.

Hey, just a quick note in case you don't follow me on social media and missed it - my husband and I talk about everything, and I'm super open and honest with him about this journey. He read this blog before I posted it, and he's cool with what I've written. Sure, I can write whatever I want, but it's really important to me that he feels comfortable with anything I share about him or our relationship.