“Who’s Going to Take Care of You When You’re Older?” - It’s Not That Simple

I follow a bunch of content creators who’ve chosen not to have kids, and they catch a lot of flak online for it. One of the most common things people say is the classic, “Who’s going to take care of you when you’re older?”

I find this question both interesting and kind of frustrating. As a parent, I want to push back on this idea and not because I don’t want my kids to be there for me when I’m older, but because that question feels like it reduces the entire parent-child relationship down to a future transaction. Like the whole point of having kids is so they can pay you back later. And honestly, that mindset just doesn’t sit right with me.

When I think about care in my older age, sure, I’d love my kids to be around. I’d love for them to help me navigate tough times, be there emotionally, and maybe even help out practically if they can. But I have no expectation that they will, or should, do it all. That’s a huge burden to place on someone, especially someone who never asked to be born.

I had kids because I wanted a family. I wanted the chaos and joy and connection that comes with raising children. I didn’t do it thinking, "Ah yes, this will be my retirement plan." My kids are their own people, with their own paths, and I don’t want them to feel like they owe me something simply because I raised them.

Understanding What “Care” Really Means

When people ask "who’s going to take care of you when you’re older?" they could mean a lot of things. For some, it’s about physical care - helping with day-to-day needs, health issues, mobility, etc. For others, it might be emotional support, financial assistance, or just regular check-ins. And in some cultures, there’s a deeply rooted expectation that children will take on those caregiving roles as a natural part of family life.

All of that is valid, and I completely understand where it comes from. But for me, the issue isn’t whether or not my kids might help me - it’s the assumption that they should.

I believe care can be shared. Through community, partners, systems, and yes, sometimes through our children. But it needs to come from a place of love and willingness, not obligation or guilt. I’d be honoured if my kids wanted to support me in some way when I’m older, but I never want them to feel like it’s their job to carry the full weight of my future.

The Mindset of Duty vs. Desire

When people throw around that question about being cared for in old age, it feels less like a genuine concern and more like a justification for why people should have children; and that’s where I think we go wrong.

Framing kids as a safety net for the future reduces the richness of parenthood to a long-term investment strategy. My relationship with my kids is built on mutual love and respect ... not debt and repayment.

The Role of Care

Yes, we all want to feel safe and supported as we get older. That’s human. But that safety doesn’t have to come solely from our children. I’ve seen beautiful examples of ageing with dignity in community-based care models, in strong friendships, in well-resourced retirement living, and in relationships where support is freely given, not expected.

We can build futures where care is present without being a burden. Where it’s shared, chosen, and respectful of everyone involved.

The Relationship I Want with My Kids

I want my kids to feel free. I want them to build their own lives, to chase their own dreams, and to know that I will never see them as a plan for my future. If they want to be part of my life as I age, that would mean the world to me. But I never want it to be out of guilt, pressure, or some unspoken agreement that love equals obligation.

Eventually, I’ll sit down with them and be clear about that. I don’t expect them to give up their time, energy, or peace to care for me in ways they don’t want to. I hope we’ll still grab coffees, have laughs, and share parts of our lives - but I’ll be doing everything I can now to make sure they never feel responsible for holding up my future.

Honestly, when it comes to physical care, I really don't want them to have to deal with that burden and responsibility. I've seen up close how it affects family members, and from their experiences, I know just how tough it can be in so many ways. And to this day many many years later, it still affects them.

A New Way Forward

Choosing not to have kids doesn’t mean you’ll be alone or without care. And having kids doesn’t guarantee that you won’t be. Life is unpredictable; but what we can do is shift our thinking.

Let’s stop using that tired question as a reason to pressure people into parenthood. Let’s instead talk about building networks of care that are based on mutual respect, community, and genuine connection.

Because ultimately, whether you have kids or not, we all deserve support that feels like love – not a job description.

And that, to me, is the kind of future worth aiming for.