Why Being a Parent Sometimes Feels Like Hell, and That's Okay: A Reflection on Chappell Roan's Comments

Not long ago, Chappell Roan, an American singer and songwriter, opened up about her views on parenthood during an episode of "Call Her Daddy" She said, “All of my friends who have kids are in hell. I actually don't know anyone who is like happy, and has children, at this age. Anyone who has light in their eyes, who has slept” which really hit home for a lot of parents online. Her words might have caused some controversy, but they definitely struck a chord with many, myself included.

Being a parent can feel pretty isolating, especially when it comes to talking about the harder parts of raising kids. Society often paints parenthood as a joyful ride full of love. But behind this rosy picture is sometimes a tough reality. Even though Chappell is not a parent herself, and cops some flak for her views, it feels like she really gets it and shows empathy for the challenges people face.

By saying that all her friends who have kids are “in hell,” Chappell Roan is actually showing that she’s been listening to them. It’s not a flippant or dismissive comment - it reflects empathy and awareness of what they’re going through. She’s acknowledging the exhaustion, the loss of identity, the emotional weight (and all of the other hard parts) that can come with parenting, especially at a younger age. It’s her way of saying, “I see them, and I heard how hard it is.”

The Ups and Downs of Being a Parent

Some days, for me personally, it honestly felt like hell - so many of us feel completely wiped out and question who we are now that we’re parents, all while trying to raise a little human who can’t even talk yet.

Plus, a lot of parents don’t have a support system - the "village" everyone talks about online isn’t something many of us have (myself included when my kids were younger), and it can feel super isolating.

But even in those hellish days, there are moments of pure joy. For every sleepless night, there’s a cuddle at dawn. For every frustrating moment, there’s a sweet smile or a burst of laughter. These little moments of happiness remind us why we chose this path despite the challenges.

The Struggles Don't Cancel Out The Love

After Chappell Roan's comments, I noticed how quickly some parents jumped in to defend their experiences, whilst at the same time painting those who did struggle in a negative light. Some said motherhood is “the best job in the world,” others criticised Chappell for having an opinion because she's not a parent, and some simply couldn't relate because they loved their child from the moment they were born and thought it was silly to feel otherwise. These comments in particular were hard to read because of the lack of empathy.

The point is, everyone is entitled to their feelings, and when Chappell shares what her friends have told her, she's simply demonstrating her understanding of their experiences.

Back when my eldest was a baby, I would've told you that parenting was insanely tough. I was exhausted all the time and cried a lot, but I loved my kids (that's just how it was for me). So, I wouldn't be shocked if someone I shared this with went around saying, "Maria thinks parenting is hell." I mean, a) we tend to focus on the bad stuff, and b) it's true.

During my chats with people, I would have mentioned a lot of good stuff, but those bits never seem to make it into the highlight reel because we usually focus on the negative.

This is often where the criticism kicks in, people think parenting should be this super joyful experience filled with love and happiness. But the reality is, parenting is tough for a lot of people - and just because it's hard doesn’t mean it isn’t also filled with love. Just because I found it tough (or a total nightmare, or whatever you want to call it), doesn't mean I didn't love it overall, or that I didn't love my children.

I wouldn't trade being a mum for anything. It's been an incredible struggle, but one filled with so much laughter and love. I'm sure some of Chappell's friends felt the same (and some won't have) however what she's noticed is that it's not easy. That it's hell for them sometimes, and as a Mum who struggled, it feels validating to know someone who's not a parent can see this.

Creating a Community of Mutual Understanding

What I'm really aiming for on social media is to create a space where we all get that everyone lives life their own way, including how we handle parenting, and that's totally cool. There's no right or wrong; it's just different for everyone.

Sure, you might have had a super positive experience as a parent, but that doesn't mean everyone else does. That's what makes life interesting - our experiences are all different.

Whether you're a parent, or don't have children, there's a lot we can learn from each other by having open chats about what it's like on both sides of the coin. When we are open and honest, we can help break the stigma around admitting that sometimes it's tough.

Building empathy helps us rethink the usual stories about being a parent. You can totally love your kids and still admit that raising them can be really tough.

Finding Balance

On my journey through parenting, I've realised how crucial it is to find balance. It's totally fine to admit that some days are harder than others. Recognising this can actually be quite liberating.

I've found that opening up about my challenges doesn't take away from how much I love being a parent. In fact, admitting when things are tough actually makes me appreciate the good times even more. Empathy helps connect us, letting us share both the tough parts and the joyful moments of parenting.

I always keep it real with my kids when I'm having a tough day. Just like I think it's important for people online to get this, I want my kids to understand it too. It's totally okay to have a bad day. You're allowed to cry and feel frustrated. What really matters is that we chat about it together... "A burden shared is a burden halved".

There’s Light After the Chaos (Even if It’s Different)

As we continue on our parenting paths, embracing all aspects of the experience, it helps us grow. Chappell’s insights can kickstart some great conversations and self-reflection.

When we openly share our stories, both the fun and the tough parts, we build a space that appreciates being real about parenthood. It’s comforting to know we’re not alone, no matter what our personal experiences are.

Let's aim for empathy, acceptance, and understanding as we face our own realities. We're all human, after all, going through a bunch of emotions on this parenting ride. When we accept both the good and the bad in our experiences, we become stronger together.

Let me tell you, as someone who's definitely moved past the "this is hell" phase, things do change. They don't stay the same. I won't say it gets easier - because it doesn't. It's just different. I mostly get a full night's sleep now (the wake-ups aren't because of my kids), and instead of dealing with temper tantrums, I handle emotional teenager ones. For me, the lack of sleep was the real challenge ... everything's much more manageable with proper rest.

P.S. If you're reading this and you can't relate to the parents who have "this is hell" moments, then trust me when I say I am envious of you! Just know your experience is unique (just like everyone elses), and that’s something to celebrate - but it doesn’t make anyone else’s struggles any less real. We’re all just doing our best with what we’ve got.