Rebuilding

The quiet and messy process of figuring out what comes next ...

Although I haven't been on social media in a while, I still receive messages from people checking in to see if I'm ok and wondering what I've been up to.

Honestly, I have no clue how to begin to explain it ...

From the outside it probably looks like nothing is happening ... I spend a lot of time at home. I don't post as much (or at all) on social media and I have pretty much disappeared from a lot of people's lives - messages go unanswered and phone calls ignored.

Beneath the surface however, it feels like my entire life has been upended, and is under renovation ...

I'm navigating a pretty intense medication change (I'm weaning off my antidepressants, whilst starting ADHD meds). I'm also trying to work out what the next part of my life looks like, and this includes things like counselling, finances, going back to work, exercising, and even decisions I can't talk about publicly yet.

There are so many things that need my attention, whether I feel ready for them or not, and a lot of the time it's incredibly overwhelming.

For most of my life, I have been very good at taking care of everyone else, and keeping things moving. But right now it feels like I've been handed a puzzle box with random pieces from other sets, and told to put something new together.

Some days I'm hopeful, and others I'm utterly overwhelmed ... heck some days I make a cheesecake because it’s the only thing on my list that feels achievable ... and honestly sometimes thats enough.

The strange thing about rebuilding your life is that it rarely looks productive from the outside ... a lot of it happens internally and quietly.

It's me sitting with uncomfortable feelings, and making phone calls I've avoided. I have to have difficult conversations with people and go to counselling. I constantly learn new things about myself whilst questioning all the old stuff.

It's me trying to separate what everyone else thinks I should do, and what I actually want to do ... and lordy at times I have no clue what I want.

During this phase, I find myself pulling away from the people I love and care about ... and not because I don’t care or don’t appreciate the messages or even that I want to be alone forever ... I think I simply don’t have much left to give right now.

It's strange because I feel desperate for connection and exhausted by it at the same time.

Thankfully the people closest to me understand that ... they know that if I disappear for a while, it’s not personal. It’s because every bit of energy I have is being used to keep moving forward one small step at a time.

And so yeah - that's become my focus lately. It's not the whole plan or the next year or even the next month; it's literally ONE thing.

I had this whole list of things written down, that I wanted to do, and I ended up removing every single thing except one: counselling. Because the whole list was overwhelming, but one thing was managable.

I try to live in the moment, but it is hard when my brain wants to do anything but that. But it really is about the next thing and only that.

For someone who thrives on certainty, this has been incredibly difficult ... but it's also teaching me something - I don't have to have it all figured out before I take the next step forward - I only need to know that one thing that comes next.

So yeah, that's what I've been up to. It might seem like nothing from the outside but it's a lot to me, and its overwhelming and upsetting and exciting and terrifying and all of the emotions.

I don't know where all of this is going to lead ... I don't have a 5 year plan or even a 6 month plan. I just have that one step.

And right now, that has to be enough.